>start going to church so I can actually socialize
>after attending for about 3 months straight, miss a day because a hiking trip went a little too long on Saturday and I didn't feel like going to church on 2 hours of sleep
>next week church granny checks in on me
>asks if I'm alright, if I need any help, if there was some emergency last Sunday, etc.
>tell her no, I just hiked a little too long
>gives some churchy reply like "well we can't have you missing worship left and right just because of some trees"
>pull a churchy response straight out of my ass and say something along the lines of "I think it's better to praise the Lord while among his creations, not while locked away from them in a building"
>she steps back in dramatized shock and goes deep into thought
>sermon starts and pastor goes into his topic for the week
>at the end of the sermon pastor asks if anyone has anything they'd like to add
>church granny springs up and tells everyone what I told her, but dramatizes it obviously
>finishes it by telling the pastor she thinks the church should do a monthly hike
>pastor acts like the holy spirit gave him a handjob and shouts about how fucking amazing of an idea that is
>puts me in charge of the hiking trips
>choose flat, short trails because old people
>can hardly walk 10 feet without hearing camera shutters or "hallelujah", "lordy lordy" "praise God", "thank you God", or something else like that

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I turned my church into a hiking club