>>39403446
>SO transes (ftm)
>I trans (mtf, at 30)
>SO immediately goes full touchless ace
>without affection I slowly start to realize how much of a prick he kinda is
>have 2 kids, I am sole breadwinner, he is a neet
>cant financially or emotionally afford to take care of 2 kids by myself, stuck
>whenever I question our relationship, he threatens to kill himself, feel even more stuck cuz I dont want him to die
>start making online friends to bridge the loneliness gap
>he gets super jealous of me having friends, causes more arguments, makes me feel suicidal very often
>fall in love with one of the friends i made
>shes 1000+ miles away and also in a cold marriage
>I care less about my husband over time, I just want to hold on to what little sparks of happiness I have
>just want my kids to be okay
I wish I could have just been a normal cis person or at least a relatively average trans person instead of being stuck in this hell where my heart is somewhere else. At least I'm starting to kinda pass which helps with dysphoria? But opening my emotions up had made the loneliness and heartache I feel so crippling that I regularly consider detransing just to be numb again. I won't survive that long term, tho. It feels like my choice is between who I want to destroy
>detrans to become numb and emotionally stable again, raise kids til theyre adults, kill self
>kill self now, shattering my family, but at least they'll get my massive ($500k) life insurance policy to reset their lives with
>leave husband, likely resulting in killing himself. Likely break down myself soon after under the strain of 2 kids+work, one child of which is heavily autistic and difficult to care for even with 2 adults
Or what ive been doing right now
>try to tough it out as long as possible while I feel my mental health crack a little more each day
I don't think im gonna make it yall

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