>>23315071
Thanks for the criticism.
>I don't understand how the last line relates to the rest of the poem.
I'm not sure how I'd go about making this image clearer, but essentially it was intended to be viewed as from the perspective of a spirit of temptation. The spirit (the whir of wind, the outward wind) entices the idle subject to either let him in or eat of the forbidden fruit in order to sharpen their faculties so he might achieve his goals (this, of course, is deception, since it's the subject's indolence which holds him back, not his lack of ability). In the third stanza "cleave the rind" is meant to evoke an image of greedily tearing something open to get to the valuables inside, or opening a door to a wealth of wisdom; thus the fourth stanza intends to build upon that idea by connecting with the second and adding in images of the drinking of the fruit's juice (the sense, wisdom), by which the subject would be granted what the spirit promised him: sharpened sense. The spirit's final temptation is an attempt to stroke the subject's ego by saying that, should he eat the fruit he would be so perfect that it would only be right if the word "poise" were constrained to refer solely to him. Honestly, I think I'd be better off switching "poise" out with "wise" since it gets the idea across better. I'm not sure I'd be willing to remove "resolved/resolve" since I think it ties in so nicely with "dissolve" from the first stanza. Sorry for such a wordy response.

tl;dr:
sense is used in two ways: 1. the powers of perception, the mind; 2. metaphorically, the wisdom of the fruit
wind (as in the movement of air) is also used in two ways: 1. wind itself; 2. wind as in anima (breath, life, soul)
inward flame is used to refer to the "inward light" as spoken of by George Fox and other Quakers
cleave the rind = getting at the jewels inside a chest; to access hidden knowledge

>>23315071
>This one is more interesting thematically, not really sure if the rhythm of the second stanza works or not
I think I see it. It breaks down on the last line, right? I'll find a way to fix it. Thanks again.

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/pg/ - Poetry GeneralPost poetry, your own or otherwise, and discuss. Critique and discussion constantly in dire supply. If you're looking…

/pg/ - Poetry General
Post poetry, your own or otherwise, and discuss. Critique and discussion constantly in dire supply. If you're looking…